My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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