i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just blew my weed a kiss
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
