My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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