What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
