good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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