got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
COCAINE IS GR8
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
