K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
