after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
