he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
