i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
