I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
