literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
