Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
