it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
