This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
