I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
