So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
