dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
