I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
