I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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