Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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