I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
