you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
