People with herpes should wear stickers.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
