I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
