tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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