while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
