Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
