Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize