I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
