So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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