Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
