Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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