imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
