i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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