Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
