I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
