I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
