I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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