one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
