Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
