No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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