you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
