This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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