I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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