Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
