Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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