Just took my morning after pill in the library
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
