I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
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