i will never coherently bang her
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
