so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
